Forged Turbo Forgiveness

Forged Turbo Forgiveness

I never forgave her and in a pleasurably sadistic way, I never want to. I want to remember and relive how she used and hurt our friendship.  I never want to forgive her, but I decided to forget her, to eliminate her face and name from my memory.

My feelings for non-forgiveness are very un-American. In America, common public displays of instant forgiveness are not uncommon, especially in the religious South, also known as the Bible Belt.

tag plate in NC

In the summer of 2015, after a family was victim of a car crash, which killed the toddler son and the baby born via emergency surgery after the wreck, the father urged forgiveness for the driver of the truck responsible for the tragedy a few days after it had occurred. The news received front page of the local Charlotte, North Carolina, paper.

After the tragic shooting in the old and historically black Emanuel AME Church in Charleston, South Carolina, where a white supremacist killed nine parishioners during their Wednesday Bible Study, some families of the victims announced publicly barely a day later that they forgave the killer.

In both cases, those offering forgiveness were acting on their Christian belief. In the case of the family in the car wreck, the article in the local Charlotte paper quotes the father, “We have, in our hearts, forgiven the man who did this. It was not the easiest thing to do, but in some ways it was because we knew (…) that Jesus Christ has forgiven us our debt”.

Similarly, in the case of the killing of nine black parishioners by a white supremacist, a statement of forgiveness by one of the victim’s daughters, was offered to the killer, “I will never talk to her ever again, I will never be able to hold her ever again. But I forgive you.”

Emanuel AME Church Charleston, S.C.

It is about taking the moral high ground.  In the case of the black community, it is also important for the parishioners not to fall to the level of “the angry white man” who murdered nine Christians, but rather, more than ever, remain fervent in their belief in Jesus Christ, the Grace of God, the guidance it offers, and being virtuous.

As a friend of mine further explained, “It is about being a TRUE Christian. If Christ can forgive his persecutors, we should forgive ours. It is not easy to be like Christ, but if that is what you strive to be, you must be able to forgive. You must try with Jesus’ help, because we are not strong enough to do it on our own. The parishioners of Charleston who forgive the white killer are not Saints because they chose to forgive; they are “a work in progress”. They are trying so hard to be like Jesus Christ.”

Even a Washington Post writer, Michael Gerson, wrote on June 22, 2015 about the reaction of the parishioners in Charleston, “Forgiveness (…) demonstrates spiritual maturity, strength of character, depth, discipline, and steadiness”

Amazed at this unwavering and generous public offering of forgiveness in the name of Jesus Christ even for the most heinous acts, I asked some non-religious American friends about this. The reaction was unanimously in favor of forgiveness. While the aspect of doing it for the higher moral ground was not in the name of the Grace of God, it was for my non-religious friends, turned to a feeling of relief, a loss of burden and a freedom from pain for oneself.

Indeed, psychology promotes seeking forgiveness. Studies seem to indicate that people more likely to forgive are healthier both physically and in relationships. Psychology offers forgiveness models. Forgiveness should be sought after and it can be taught.

The problem is the instant public turbo forgiveness. One friend highlighted that Americans, who offer forgiveness in the name of Jesus Christ, are encouraged to do so immediately. Even Michael Gerson, in the Washington Post article mentioned above, explained that forgiveness related to murder was more valuable if it was offered before the killer had even finished his job. An African American friend further hinted that turbo forgiveness is practiced mainly by Southern Baptists and especially by African Americans, who may have simply conditioned themselves to do so to gloss over the absurdity of their situation,  since slavery and throughout the continuing systemic oppression...

Prayer at South Carolina Low Country restaurant

As my friend had experienced personally in both a Christian and then later therapeutic settings, instant forgiveness cannot be genuine, it cannot heal; it is a knee jerk reaction to what the Southern Baptist church tells you to do. True forgiveness requires time and understanding and probably help from outside for traumatic experiences. Instant public forgiveness in the name of Jesus maybe jumpstarts the process (and that probably only for fervent Christians), but, if at all, the announcement of forgiveness can only be the beginning of the real healing process.

In my survey amongst my non-religious friends, forgiveness is about healing; it is about accepting; it is about choosing to free oneself from burden and moving on to being a better stronger person. My American friends of Lutheran, Presbyterian, and Episcopalian faith agree that seeking forgiveness is a process that requires an open state of mind, and that it always should be sought after. And most religions see it similarly.

Based on a cheap Wikipedia search, most religions offer guidance in forgiveness. As we know, forgiveness is a non-option for Christians. Hindus are supposed to seek, as well as offer forgiveness to people and society in specific acts, as well as more general acts in order to achieve a purer state. Buddhism declares, “Forgiveness is Supreme Peace”, and declares “feminine forgiveness” -which does not require repenting- as the higher level than “male forgiveness” – which does require repenting.

Other religions are, however, more practical about it. In Islam, forgiveness is required between believers, but not from a believer to a non-believer. In Judaism, forgiveness is not so much about reaching a higher moral ground, but rather offers practical guidance between humans: forgiveness is not offered, it is sought after by offering repentance by the perpetrator to the victim; the victim can hear the wish to repent, but he/she does not need to forgive. Also, humans do not seek forgiveness from God for problems between humans. In conversations, a mormon and a Christian Orthodox smirked over Catholics weekly opportunity to seek forgiveness straight from God!

My cheap Wikipedia search makes me relate to the Jewish approach to forgiveness.  To me, forgiveness is a two way street, between two parties, one repenting and one forgiving, I guess also it would be more complete in my simple way of seeing balance in the universe, a sort of yin and yang?

But yet another American friend quickly reiterates:  “Forgiveness is something that you do for yourself, not for another person. They don’t even have to know anything about it. When you are able to forgive someone, (…) you can move forward. It is easier if the perpetrator has apologized and or made reparations, but even if you get neither of those, you can and should still forgive.”

A business coach even offers a Prayer of Forgiveness, which in essence is a path to freedom from any suffering, totally separate from the cause of suffering or anything or anyone inflicting it.

To my American friends, forgiveness clearly becomes an individual choice on taking the higher road to find acceptance and personal peace, or for my Christian friends, being virtuous.

But forgiveness can be misused. As a friend explained, when growing up, she was pressured into immediately forgiving an elder Southern Baptist church member for his wrong doing towards her. The elders tried to make her feel guilty that by not forgiving she was not being virtuous; yet she was actually feeling guilty for pretending to be more virtuous and more Christ-like by offering false forgiveness. She ended up having to publicly forgive. Years later, as an adult, she realized something was wrong and sought professional help to find true forgiveness or rather acceptance from what had happened. She ended up distancing herself from the church and people who preached forgiveness on her, because she realized the elders had misused “the virtue of forgiveness” by imposing it on the victim to avoid the perpetrator from charges for doing something harmful.

Similarly, forgiveness can be misused in the name of justice. As Nicholas Kristof explains in a Review on January 30, 2016, in the New York Times, a Pakistani girl, who survived an honor killing committed by her uncle and father, was forced to forgive them the heinous act in court. If an honor killing is forgiven, the perpetrator is set free according to Pakistani law. She was coerced into forgiving by her brother-in-law, so they could all continue to live peacefully side-by-side in the village. At the same time however, it has been written that she told a film-maker, “they should be shot in public in an open market” and said that she told someone, “in her heart she will never forgive them”.

While there is a link between justice and forgiveness in honor killings in Pakistani law, an American lawyer explains that in law school in the US, the topic of forgiveness is never broached; the only time forgiveness or rather repentance comes up in American justice, is when defense lawyers use it to try and get a milder sentence for their client. Also, another friend, daughter of a pastor, explains that counter-intuitively, from an American Christian perspective, forgiveness is totally separate from justice: when at the doors to heaven, a Christian should expect to receive the Grace of God for all Earthly sins; seeking justice, would land practically every human being in hell, so one does not seek justice at the gates to heaven….

So, while forgiveness deals with the Christian’s choice to higher moral ground, virtue, inner peace, and a relationship with God, justice remains the earthly part of dealing with the wrong-doing. While I forgive a perpetrator to liberate myself (or make myself more virtuous), I do expect him/her to not repeat the offence and also to receive justice on earth by humans (which is separate from the Grace of God).

This is where one wonders if there is not some sort of conflict of moral ground, when in states where politicians proclaim themselves as Christian and thus practicing forgiveness, they also are the politicians most likely to enforce capital punishment. What does a (Christian) Judge sincerely think or even feel when the perpetrators repent and/or victims forgive the killer, yet the jury's verdict is the killer’s killing? It almost seems like in comparison “eye to eye, tooth for tooth” is a purer, honest and direct form of moral ground and moral sentence.

Nevertheless, some parishioners of the Charleston church want to leave justice up to God in the case of the white supremacist killer. They are against the death penalty for the killer: they believe the best justice for him would be to spend the rest of his life in prison repenting, so then, in God’s time, he can face Him to seek Grace. As one victim’s family stated, “I forgive you and my family forgives you, but we would like you to take this opportunity to repent. Christ, he can change you, no matter what happens to you”. Yet, ironically the mayor of Charleston, a progressive liberal against capital punishment, declared that in this case he was in favor of executing the murderer: is to some mere mortals the white supremacist’s bloodbath unforgivable or the murderer just worth putting on the quickest path to oblivion?

Sign at Emanuel AME Church at Easter 2016

A few weeks after the murder at the Charleston Emanuel AME Church by the white supremacist, across the Atlantic and over the Alps, in the Austrian provincial capital Graz, a man drove his car through a busy pedestrian zone, with the intent of hitting and killing pedestrians. He injured near a dozen people and killed three people. Austria is a peaceful country and the murderous incident was a shock to the entire country. The town hired an emergency psychologist to help all citizens heal. There was not one public mention of forgiveness.

Instead, the city psychologist offered a mourning and healing plan, which laid out phases everyone should expect. At the same time he explained, that time and patience were impertinent to ever understanding and accepting what had happened; healing would take time.

While comparing European and American attitudes and behavior is cheesy, the Graz and Charleston incidents do highlight differences. Europeans in the face of personal tragedy let themselves hurt, show pain and raw emotion, take time to mourn and get over it, or maybe not. Americans do not seem to have that luxury.

Just as it is important to be offensively happy and smile most of the time, it is not wise to linger on being hurt in the New Continent. One must forgive and move on. Some are compelled by religion to forgive faster than others, but forgiveness is considered important for the individual’s well-being and survival in the individualistic competition-driven society. Lingering on being a victim is a risk. (If you are not the forgiving type, another anti-victim tool is the option of filing a law suit, or fighting to change laws...)

Also, as a nation, the culture seems to promote denying being a victim: when attacked, the powerful country will attack back stronger. Once hierarchy has been restored, and America is on top, the country can consider forgiving the attacker decades later. This begs the question also of Native Americans and African Americans being victims of systemic oppression - is it time for the collective victims to forgive or.... is it time for the country as a nation to repent?!

Back to the individual level, Americans pride themselves on their resilience and tackling forgiveness - some faster than others; and most proactively. Either Europeans are not as aware of the power of resilience or simply their social system allows them the luxury of healing at a less aware, slower more sustainable pace, leaving it up to them to maybe sometime and somewhere in the healing process to consider forgiveness...

Whatever the case, my non-forgiveness for the hypocrisy of a friend does not compare to the trauma experienced in the examples above. Therefore, my non-forgiveness probably has more to do with being a Central European who enjoys a dose of cynical grumpiness as an excuse to linger for hours over a Grosser Brauner at a coffee shop. It has nothing to do with overcoming trauma and making a choice on how to tackle a healing process.

Choice: that is what the world famous Austrian psychiatrist, Dr Viktor Frankl, concentration camp survivor, build his logotheraphy upon: while one might not always be able to control traumatic situations one is subject to, one can always control one's reaction to the situations and how to deal with them. Maybe that is where American forgiveness found its psychological roots...